Saturday, November 6, 2010

Tanning Bed Sex

My brother and I couldn't be more different if we tried. Specific to this story, I'm very emotional and he's a cold, unfeeling robot. I cry every time I watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. My feelings get hurt very easily, and I get angry at the drop of a hat. My brother, on the other hand, lacks emotion so much so that it approaches the border of sociopathy. That's why when he dates a girl, my parents and I can never get any kind of read as whether or not he is actually interested in her or if she's just a hobby to pass the time.

So, these days, he's sort of dating this girl in Tuscaloosa. She came to visit him and stayed at our house a few weeks ago for 2 days. Mom made my brother sleep on the couch so the girl could have his bed, which I find to be hilarious, because he's 19, and if he wants to bang her, he's going to bang her, and the separate sleeping arrangements is just preventing cuddling, not banging, and if he's like most guys, this is a win-win situation for him. But I digress. This weekend, he went to Tuscaloosa to stay with her, and Mom was quick to point out that the girl and her roommates have a guestroom that my brother will be staying in, as if I'm one of Mom's fellow churchgoers who would be horrified and get the vapors over it or something.

Anyways, before he left, Mom told me that she told my brother that she didn't want him having sex right now--to which I had to ask "'right now' as opposed to when?" And she said when he gets married, which gave me a good laugh and reminded me that the reason I talk to her on a daily basis is because I get good material like that. So, she jokingly says "But maybe you should talk to him too." And I blew it off with my usual, "No, I'm good." But 2 minutes after I hung up the phone with him, genius struck!

I texted my brother: "Mom says you're going to Tuscaloosa for the weekend. Don't have sex with anyone who's pro-life." I was so proud of that joke! My favorite jokes of mine are the ones that make ME laugh! Anyways, needless to say, I had to bust Mom's balls, so I call her like an hour later and I say, "Well, no need to thank me, but I had the sex talk with Hayden." "NO YOU DIDN'T!?" "Yep." "Please tell me you're joking!" "Nope." "What did you say?!" And I told her, and she was horrified, which was icing on the cake of my great joke.

Now, obviously the joke was that my brother shouldn't have sex with anyone who's pro-life because if she were to get pregnant, she'd be opposed to going to see "the dentist." But more importantly, you don't want to sleep with anyone who's pro-life, because, quite frankly, they're probably really bad in bed. They probably look like someone who eats fried chicken straight out of the KFC bucket while they watch The O'Reilly Factor, and people like that are not sexy. These are the people who call-in to Nancy Grace, and worse still, watch Nancy Grace. Their idea of lingerie is granny panties and the Old Navy 4th of July t-shirt from 2003. There's no spice, no kink--no feathers or leather, except for the animals on their farm. Most pro-lifers have what I call "tanning bed sex." That's where you lie on your back, motionless for 12 minutes, feeling warm, and afterwards you're covered in sweat and you smell funny.

I kid the pro-lifers...with love. Most of my friend are pro-life, and they're mostly nice people. Of course, I'm pro-choice, and I'm always recruiting: if you have your baby, he could grow up to be a vulgar, foulmouthed, inappropriate asshole just like me :)


  1. And now tanning bed sex is my new favorite phrase. Praise be to Jeff :)

  2. I love the phrase. Thanks for some new material for my personal reportoire.

  3. Thanks ladies! If you know anyone in the publishing industry, send them my way :)

  4. I love your blog!! Great jokes!!

  5. FYI for all yall out there. Ever notice how all the chicks who work at tanning salons are really tan and hot? Its the secret fantasy of all of them to have some hot guy come in, sweep them off their feet and discreetly fuck the shit of them on a tanning bed in the back. I guarantee you that shit goes on more than you think. You just have to be Don motherfucking Juan to get them past their fear of getting caught/fear of being perceived as a slut/fear you wont be discreet

  6. WTH it cut off the rest of my comment. What i said was. im no player, but ive done my share of dirty dancing and i happen to be VERY pro life. I couldnt live with myself afterwards if i let a chick get an abortion. Also, i know a dude who IS a total player, he has been in three ways, banged strippers, had more than a few one night stands. One of those crazy ass dudes you know? He is very pro life too. He settled down a bit with a GF not too long ago and she ended up getting pregnant. He does NOT plan on spending the rest of his life exclusively with her (i dont even think they ever were exclusive but im not sure), but he DOES plan on raising the child and having some sort of a positive, mutual parenting relationship with her. I give him mad props.

    bottom line, USE A CONDOMN ALWAYS. even if you think the chick isnt very promiscuous and wont have an std. I dont even care if she looks innocent or nerdy. you dont know if she isnt a secret nympho and you dont know where that punanny has been before. For all you know the whole football team ran a train on her in highschool (lol ok that IS unlikely, but you get the idea) You might think you are being sneaky/the one dude who manages to get her w/o a condomn, and that worst case scenario shell just have to take the morning after pill. WRONG worst case scenario your gonna get fucking HERPES or something like that. For all you know you could be the third pogo stick shes hopped this week.

  7. all that being said, i loved the blog. :) You are pretty good writer. Just dont assume that pro life people are squares. Thats like assuming that all gay dudes go to glory holes and have crazy sweaty man orgies and the like(if you DID think that, SURPRISE!! Tons dont do that shit, in fact, most are a lot like average straight dudes in their sex frequency)
    Its also just like how religious people assume that every pro choice person is a total skank. when thats also not true.

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