Thursday, July 29, 2010

She's Doing Poo-Yogurt Commercials Now for Christ's Sake!

My brother and I are kind of assholes. I embrace it and entertain you all with it. He denies it, but it's nonetheless just as true about him. That said, it's no surprise that my mom is so impressed with one of my brother's friends that she can't shut up about what a sweet boy he is. The first time she brought it up, I just kind of rolled my eyes. The second time, I was said "Ok! We get it! You want to bang him!" And of course, she was like "No! I do not want that to him!" I said, "I said 'bang,' not 'eff.' You can say 'bang him'." And then she tries to change the subject by talking about what a filthy mouth I have. Me thinks she doth protest too much. And I don't really know why. I mean, the guy is legal, so there's no chance of her being on Dateline: To Catch a Predator, although believe me, I would send out engraved invitations to my viewing party if she got busted for something like that after all the conservative bullshit she's made me listen to over the last 23 years. I guess she had to put up a fight because Dad was in the car with us. He thinks I'm hilarious, and who wouldn't? But now, I bust Mom's balls all the time. Even if she's talking about another friend of my brother's, I'm like "Is that the one you want to bang?" Ah, good times.

Speaking of my brother and his friends: he has injured himself yet again. The Thursday before Easter, he pulled a soccer goal over on himself, which cut open the center of his forehead and required about 7 stitches. Fortunately, that healed rather well, but for awhile he looked like Ashton Kutcher with a Harry Potter symbol on his forehead, or (alternate punchline) a new Manson family recruit that backed out when the swastika was halfway carved into his forehead. Anyways, now that that's about healed, his friend ran into him while playing ultimate frisbee or some other ridiculous pseudo-sport and separated his index and middle fingers so wide that the skin in between them ripped and continued to rip AROUND his index finger. Again, I believe the number of stitches was...Lucky # 7. So, basically at this point, he's sewn together like the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, and ironically enough, my brother also does not have a brain. Most amazingly, he does very dangerous things like rock-climbing, and...I don't know...other dangerous things that my fat ass is too lazy and scared to do. But does he injure himself then? No. It's when he's playing frisbee. Guess who's getting a helmet and pads for Christmas?

It was great to see my family last weekend, and the main reason it was great is because I was only around them in short spans of time. Being with my family is like interval training: high-intensity for short periods of time with frequent breaks needed in between. So, my trip to Huntsville for a wedding was a great distraction. I left with plenty of time to arrive early. And let me just break here and say that there once was a time when I was a truly classy person. I kept the foul language among only my closest friends, I was prim and proper and had a much bigger stick up my ass than I do today. However, I think that any shred of dignity or grace that I ever possessed was erased when I finished getting ready to attend a very lovely wedding by stopping by the restroom at the Wal-Mart in Arab, Alabama. This little diversion put me behind schedule and had me literally running (eh, jogging) into the church as the wedding party was lined up in the narthex about to go down the aisle.

But I got there on time, and the service was beautiful, but me, not ever able to take anything serious, couldn't focus because a soloist sang "Be Thou My Vision" which is a sweet Christian song. However, it was also used in the teaser trailer for Saw 5, so I kept thinking "Wow, I didn't even know they were fans. How cool would it be if I gave the pianist an extra twenty bucks to play the theme from 'Halloween' when my fiance walks down the aisle! Maybe a couple of bars of the Wedding March to get her started, but then a quick change to the 'Halloween' theme. Maybe I could get Jamie Lee Curtis to come to the wedding and run across the altar screaming 'Michael!...Michael?!' I mean, she's doing poo-yogurt commercials now for Christ's sake! How expensive could she be? Maybe $5,000?...Oh, they're married now!"

The weekend was fun, but when I got back to Savannah on Sunday night, things were not. The air conditioner at the condo wasn't working so my neighbors generously let me stay in their guest room. I watched Mad Men with them for the first time that night and instantly became hooked. I rented the first season on DVD and am fascinated! Part of me wonders if there was a TV writer who was like "I want to make sexist, racist, homophobic, anti-semitic jokes on national TV and have it be ok. How can I get away with it? ... Oh, I know! I'll set it in 1960s Manhattan!" And another part of me thinks, "Wow! If they can do this on AMC, what would they do if a REAL network had picked up the show?" I mean, Mad Men is wonderful, and Breaking Bad looks good (although I've never watched it), but I see these shows on AMC and just feel like that network is HBO's nerdy little brother. Like Showtime comes over to HBO's house and they're hanging out, sneaking booze from their parents' liquor cabinet, and AMC is sneaking cigarettes when they aren't looking, but it just keeps coughing and getting nauseous whenever it tries to smoke them. Is it just me?

***On a side-note, one of my comedic icons Jackie Kashian and I tweet with one another on a regular basis. Earlier today she tweeted (to everyone) that she is doing a show in Tucson this weekend and that she will have to dust off her Apartheid material (which is hilarious because Arizona is also controlled by racists seeking to do a less violent ethnic-cleansing). Anyways, I replied and said "Make sure you have all your papers; no exposure to sunlight until after the show; and don't use words like Chihuahua." And then she replied to me and said "haha! Chihuahua! I may use that in my show (with your permission)." Holy fuckballs, you guys! I haven't been so happy in months! I post my witty tweets and status updates and I trot out one of these blog posts once a month or so, and I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to make some kind of career with my comedy, whether it be stand-up, books like Chelsea Handler's, or writing for television and/or film, and I have people like Liz and Beth and most of the people who read this blog say very encouraging things, which is so sweet and wonderful, but I never know if you're just saying them to be nice. So to have a comic that I idolize validate me like that just put me in the best mood and built my confidence so much! I don't know if I'll ever work up the balls to overcome my fear of public speaking and do stand-up, but knowing that an expert on funny thinks I'm funny enough to consider putting my joke in her act inspires me to keep sending my witty tweets and keep updating this blog and actually do some real damn comedy writing!