In A Contest With No One

None of my clothes fit me. Yesterday I wore stuff that was way too big--like I borrowed my outfit from Oprah--and today I wore stuff that was way too tight--like I borrowed my outfit from Oprah. I used to be a clotheshorse...or is it clotheswhore? I don't know, but the point is, there was a time that I would've performed sexual favors in exchange for quality fashion. But that little thing known as disposable income is now gone, so if I can buy something at a retailer better than JC Penney it's like that warm, sweet liquor for an alchy.

My finances are in the toilet. Food is my only really indulgence, but it's so damn expensive. And earlier tonight, I had a white trash moment, where with only $21 to my name and an empty gas tank, I decided to buy a chocolate milkshake and a six-pack of Coors Light (I know, like I'm a college sophomore) and then use whatever money was left over to buy gas. Klassy, I know.

I understand my financial situation, which is one reason why, even I were banging someone right now, I'd be sure that she didn't get pregnant. I can understand having one unplanned pregnancy...you're drunk, you put the condom on your ball...it happens. But several of my high school alum seem to be in a contest with no one to see who can have the most kids without being married or being in anything resembling a monogamous relationship. Which is why I'm working on spreading my own public service announcement: "Condoms: Not just for balloon animals anymore." This will run concurrent with my other PSA: "Abortions: Not just for rich white girls anymore." Speaking of which, due to harsh economic conditions, I've had to close my abortion clinic. We just didn't have the volume of clients we needed to keep the doors open, which is surprising, because I ran a huge ad in the Yellow Pages in the "Pest Control" section. Silver-lining: I now have a huge surplus of wire hangers and knitting needles at my house. But let me know if you want the wire hangers, because I'm seriously worse than Mommie Dearest about those bastards. It's all plastic in my closet!

If I ever see a woman with a moustache, I have to wonder: if that's what the upstairs looks like, can you imagine the basement?! (I told that joke to my friend Eryn and she started singing the Chia Pet jingle: Ch-ch-ch-chia!)

So, I write a lot of liberal material (in case you haven't noticed), but I don't write too much political material because if I ever go up against one of the CNN junkies, I realize about 3 questions in that I don't know any of the details of the issues. That's why I like to get my news from Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. They've done all the research and they lean the same way I do (which is so hard to the left that we almost fall over), but then I get a false sense of security and feel ready to battle my right-wing friends, but--again--as soon as I quote Bill or Jon, I'm out of ammo. I tend to actually dig in and fact-find during an election year, but otherwise I just coast by with what I pick up from liberal political comics and common sense, and I manage to get by.

With that said, I have to say that I'm so happy that Prop 8 was ruled to be unconstitutional. I know there are a lot of prohibitive amendments in state constitutions (especially the bad states), but in the U.S. Constitution the only amendment ever added that restricts people's rights instead of securing them was prohibition, and we all know how that ended: bottoms up! (I think that was also the sentiment the day Prop 8 was ruled unconstitutional, but I'm not sure it referred to drinking.)

Well, folks, in continuing my white trash night, I was once told that nothing is better than drinking a cold beer while standing under a hot shower, so I'm about to go try it and go to bed :)