I Made It as Far as "Attending the University of Phoenix"

Hello! It's been awhile since my last post, and so little has happened. I took my usual Memorial Day trip to Gulf Shores. I let the Goose loose the first night and only have a portion of my memory. Astonishing how I can drink such nice vodka and yet smoke a Black n Mild like I'm at late night barbecue in Section 8. But I paid for it by straining my back for the rest of the weekend, possibly from falling asleep (AKA passing out) while lying on a wooden deck. So when I got back home, I had to see the doctor about my back. He put me on generic Valium! I was so excited! Having never taken any muscle relaxers, I had high hopes of becoming like those classy ladies in "Valley of the Dolls." Not Sharon Tate, but maybe Patty Duke or the other one. But alas, they had no effect on me. The anti-inflammatory meds "healed" my back, but I'm still not able to train for that marathon to raise money for the orphans...with cancer...affected by the oil spill...in Haiti.

But seriously, I hate exercising. I understand the vanity of it--you know I think that unattractive people are the real "untouchables"--but all that sweating, and the breathing hard, and having to miss "Last Comic Standing" to go to the gym. It's not for me. I'd rather wait until I can afford lunch-time lipo. And I want Botox too, but not that bad batch that Kate Gosselin got. Jesus Christ! As if her face wasn't jacked up enough, now she has that "No, I've always looked like a villain from the Batman comics" face. Speaking of Christa Miller...another time.

Oh, and guess who's girlfriend is pregnant! That's right, congratulate me now, because when the clinic opens in the morning, it'll be too late. (I've been trying to work up the balls to do that joke as a Facebook status, but I'm really not in the mood for the conservative backlash. But it's a solid joke, and I'm proud of it, as I am all my jokes--they're like my children.)

I'm really broke these days. I auditioned for a porn and was offered the role, but I turned it down. It was a fetish porn, and the fetish was fast food icons. I was on board when they wanted me to be the Burger King--they were even going to let me keep the giant plastic head--but there were legal issues with BK and McDonald's. Eventually, I was cast to play Jared from Subway. Now, nobody loves double entendre more than me, but all the "$5 footlong" jokes in the world couldn't get me to demean myself that much.

I need a date. I was going to finally give in and try the online thing but I read a few profiles and most of the women on there have kids. I was telling my friend about it and how 90% of them are really young, single mothers. She said, "Don't they have planned parenthood offices in Georgia?" I said, "Apparently not enough to keep up with the demand." But I pushed on, and eventually found someone age-appropriate and moderately attractive--she looked like Princess Diana (when she was still alive...not now). So I started reading her profile, and I got as far as "I'm currently attending the University of Phoenix..." and I was like, "I'm out! If this is what's out there, I'll gladly stay single!" I say that, but actually I had a date last night. I'm gentleman, so I won't kiss and tell, but let me just say that I spent the better part of today figuring out how to get semen out of a microsuede couch. I know, I know; I'm a hopeless romantic.

Although, not much has gone on in my own life since my last post, there's been a lot going on in Hollywood! It's so sad about Gary Coleman. You know he died pretty much penniless? Thank God, they can save the cost of a casket and just bury him in a cooler. Maybe they can get one with wheels--like the kind you take to the beach--that way, they can just have one pallbearer. And Heidi broke up with Spencer. I heard she caught him having sex with a blowup doll. In his defense, he probably thought it was her. And, not that they're real celebrities, but the soccer players have been all over the news because of the World Cup. I haven't watched any of it, but I keep hearing people talk about these things making this loud, irritating noise. I can't remember what they called them...I think they called them "vulvas?" I don't know; it was something Spanish. People were blowing all these vulvas at the World Cup and the noise was distracting the players. I mean, the game really should be all about the fans though, so I say if they were having fun blowing vulvas, God bless. Live and let live.